The voice of a widow

I am meant to be moving.  Our plan was always that we would move back to our beloved Lincolnshire.  And so this is still my plan. It means that I would be closer to my mum and to friends.  Up here in Cumbria everything is just so far away. Without a job and the current cost of living crisis travelling is pretty expensive.  So I have been wading through the main rental website daily. I have not been very successful.  I am not looking for my forever home, just a stop gap whilst I work out what I am going to do.  I have highlighted a few places and given myself a budget. I have a couple of non-negotiables : accept cats, not on a main road (safe for cats) and has a garden space with garage/shed.  I have not been successful, yet.  I have called a few times- but I have been number 23 and 41 in the queue. (none starters then) Then there are those which don't take pets.  But if I am honest, I really haven't been trying really hard.  I can't move...

With the events of yesterday (the resignation of Boris Johnson) there's a lot of talk about legacy.  What is his legacy?  I have just been hit by a wave of grief as I listened to Radio 2 Jeremy Vine show which is addressing this in the context of the Prime Minister. They played extracts of news reports linking to Johnson. It took me back. I remember when Johnson said that he shook the hands of the people in the hospital with covid. It then cut to a report of 8 people had died of covid.  8 people,  and in the week that my P died there were 126k  (He died of covid Jan 2021) They didn't report the line "Let the bodies pile high!" but that sticks forever in my mind.   So Johnson will move on and will make millions as an after dinner speaker. It will turn out okay for him. His legacy as a PM will be linked to Bexit and the pandemic and the successful roll out of the vaccines. - Is that legacy?   P wasn't bothered at all about being remembered. His...

Identity - It's something that has consumed my thoughts for a long while now.  Who am I?  I was always me: Hanna V  I didn't change my name when P and I got married. He didn't want me to become Mrs N. He thought it was vital that I fully became Hanna V that I knew who I was and didn't just become his wife.  I was always Hanna V and at 30, when I married I didn't fully know who I was. I knew what I did. I was a primary school teacher, someone who sang, someone who loves cats, someone who desperately needed to be safe, to feel safe,  I was someone who lacked confidence in myself.  I was someone who believed herself to be not very clever.  I was someone who was terrified of failure and wouldn't risk anything.  Over the next 20 years I began to get to know who I was.  I felt safe!  P gave me the security that I lacked. I began to be able to do things that I wouldn't have had space for in my brain as I would have been just so scared to even c...

Today I was hit by a tsunami of grief... It's just over a year since I lost my husband and I have managed to muddle through life so far. But today it hit me all over again.  I went out for the morning to a place we used to visit. A local market town where we would potter around. P would visit a little antiques shop and have a catch up with the owner as I would look at the different things in the shop. We would then go and have lunch together. It was a familiar routine.  I went to that familiar place. It's been a miserable wet day. Typical February weather for the North West. Cold, wet and miserable. But we would just wrap up and potter around together.  Today -despite being well wrapped up-  I. JUST. MISSED. HIM!!  I remembered how much I just loved spending time with him. Being together. Doing things and sharing the experience.  Today - I felt alone. I think I felt lonely.  Grief is often likened to waves.  Initially, the waves were just the...

    Funerals ....  Organising a funeral is the last thing you can do right for someone. But organising a funeral is not something you ever want to be doing.  I was terrified about calling a funeral director. I just didn't want to do it.  I was terrified that I would be hit with a load of questions to which I didn't know the answer or just didn't want to answer.  It also made it all a little bit more real, too.  I was terrified of saying those words ... "My husband has died."  But I found the courage to lift the phone and call. I was not going to let anyone else do it for me.  I don't know what I actually said - but straight away I was put at ease.They led me through the process. (They will do that for you too - if you need them to) Because it was in the middle of a lock-down, I was sent a brochure through the post.  The funeral director called in to check on me every few days - or so it seemed. It was kind. Some days I just couldn't face...

  When you are bereaved you hear it all - The platitude s ...    It's hard, I get that ...  I have been on the other side. I have been that person who was too uncomfortable to say anything... terrified of making it worse.  How could anyone make it any worse? - The worse has happened. And they haven't forgotten. You talking about their loved one and even saying their name is not going to suddenly upset them.  For weeks I was numb- For the first first months in fact I did stuff secretly believing that it would be all alright ...when he came home. That was the story I told myself - looking back it was the only way I could process the information.  How could he NOT be coming back?  He was my husband. We were a family - just us two and our cats. He cooked for me and took care of me. He was the one I could talk to and work out what I should do when I didn't know what to do. He was the one I brought a cup of tea to each and every morning- he was the...

Time passes ... but I am not convinced it heals....  It's been 367 days since I said my last goodbye to my husband. He was one of the 155,613 people who have died of covid 19 (Today's count in the uk). He died on 28th January 2021. He was number one to me - 1 in a million! The best! MINE!  I have been a widow for just over a year. I can't believe it's been a year... in some ways it's been a life-time and in others just a breath ago since I 'ruckled' his hair, told him I loved him, and asked him to visit me in my dreams. I couldn't kiss him because I was in full PPE - a full long-sleeved over-all, an apron, 2 pairs of gloves, a powdered face-mask and a visor.  We had both tested positive on Boxing day 2020. I was feeling pretty 'crappy' but had put it down to 'end-of-term-itus' (I am a primary school headteacher and often felt poorly at the end of term). My hubby was fit and well- we got a test just to rule it out. We didn't expect for...