The things people say... or don't!

 

When you are bereaved you hear it all - The platitudes ...  

It's hard, I get that ...  I have been on the other side. I have been that person who was too uncomfortable to say anything... terrified of making it worse. 

How could anyone make it any worse? - The worse has happened. And they haven't forgotten. You talking about their loved one and even saying their name is not going to suddenly upset them. 

For weeks I was numb- For the first first months in fact I did stuff secretly believing that it would be all alright ...when he came home. That was the story I told myself - looking back it was the only way I could process the information. 

How could he NOT be coming back? 

He was my husband. We were a family - just us two and our cats. He cooked for me and took care of me. He was the one I could talk to and work out what I should do when I didn't know what to do. He was the one I brought a cup of tea to each and every morning- he was the one I came home to. 

He was HOME- he was my home. The place where I was safe. 

How could he not be coming home?! 

Everything would be alright- when he got home. 

I remember the day it hit! When reality came home, not P.  

It must have been coming to the 3 month marker. I had gone back to school. I was functioning, well to a degree. To fill my weekends I had taken to walking and taken up gardening. 

The garden had always been P's domain. I had been very much the apprentice, a reluctant one at that. But I had said that I would look after his plants whilst he was gone. I had told him that when he was in hospital. So I had kept my promise - I looked after the garden. Painted the shed, replaced the fence, planted seeds for flowers and vegetables. I had even mowed the lawn and fed it so that it was lush green. 

Then one Saturday, as I was putting the mower away, I was putting the pad-lock back on the shed, except it fell off and landed on the floor. 

It broke. 

At that, I picked it up and took it inside. I tried to fix it but I couldn't. 

I remember thinking: 

"It's alright. When he gets home ..."   and that's when it hit. 

He wasn't coming home. 

Not now. 

Not soon. 

Not ever!  

That's when the tears came and I just couldn't stop. 

Reality had hit HOME - quite literally!!  

 

I still don't think that it's fully hit me. I still catch myself thinking... it'll be alright when ... Then I realise it won't be alright. Things will never be the same again. . 

I am not the person I was. 

I am different. 

I am changed. 

He's never coming home!

I don't quite know who I am, yet!

I know I don't tolerate people as well as I used to. I am not as bad as Ricky Gervais' character Tony in After Life but I have had a couple of moments. 

The first occasion: I kept P's car (as well as mine) his car ( the one he drove ) was actually registered to me and my car was registered to him. 

When he died, I had to register both cars in my name. But when one needed servicing I called the garage and booked my car in. I did that. I gave them my name and the registration number. When I went into the service department in the day of the service, I told them who I was and why I was there. 

"Oh, we were expecting a Mr N ... !" said the man on reception. 

" Oh - I said - Well he won't be coming as he died!! " - I said it in a very matter of fact way as I hadn't expected this. On reflection, I did this so that I didn't burst into tears. I, like the Ricky Gervais character, lashed out at the unsuspecting victim! 

The second occasion was not a face to face interaction but an email exchange. When P died I made a long list of all the people and companies I had to inform. Now there are some good companies- the ones who have their own bereavement teams. Others who just employ plonkers! Insensitive Plonkers. (That's a whole other blog entry!)

There is the government's "Tell me once" service. This is great as it pretty much lets all the government departments know so you don't have to tell them separately. 

However, it doesn't include the JURY SERVICE. 

A letter came for P summoning him to attend jury service. I contacted them and explained. 

"Did I have proof?! "

"Yes!"- "Here is a copy of his death certificate!"  

So what I have I learnt from this? 

• People say stupid things.
• Good people say stupid things.
• Stupid people say stupid things.
• Most people mean the best - they just don't know how to be.
• Grief is not a journey with a destination - it's a new reality.
• Grief changes aspects of you.         

What advice would I give? 

• If you are grieving, don't judge people on what they say - but on what they do. 
• If you are grieving, don't expect that you will get over it - you are not on a journey. 
• If you are grieving, you may also be the person who says the wrong thing! 

• If you are supporting someone who is grieving - allow them to feel their pain. "It is shit! It shouldn't have happened. " 
• Validate their pain - Don't reduce it by trying to say some to distract or be positive. The pain of the loss needs acknowledging and validating.  
• Don't say "If you need anything let me know." - The grief- brain can not process what is needed  - A good friend of mine texted me to say "I am coming over. I will be on your doorstep at 2:30pm and if you open the door that's fine- if you don't that's fine too."  I found this helpful. (That's all she could do at that point as we were in full lockdown)  

Take care 

H x