Moving ... forwards

I am meant to be moving. 

Our plan was always that we would move back to our beloved Lincolnshire. 

And so this is still my plan. It means that I would be closer to my mum and to friends.  Up here in Cumbria everything is just so far away. Without a job and the current cost of living crisis travelling is pretty expensive. 

So I have been wading through the main rental website daily. I have not been very successful. 

I am not looking for my forever home, just a stop gap whilst I work out what I am going to do. 

I have highlighted a few places and given myself a budget. I have a couple of non-negotiables : accept cats, not on a main road (safe for cats) and has a garden space with garage/shed. 

I have not been successful, yet. 

I have called a few times- but I have been number 23 and 41 in the queue. (none starters then)

Then there are those which don't take pets. 

But if I am honest, I really haven't been trying really hard. 

I can't move forward until I move because until then I can't get work or start up my small business. 

But I keep stopping myself. 

I am fearful. 

But, there is something else too. 

Having thought about it. Once I leave here. It's another step away from P. 

There will no longer be any shared memories of living together in the place where I live. Those memories are here now. They are bitter-sweet as I am surrounded but I don't feel ready to let them go. 

The question is: When will I be ready?  

I can take those memories with me, I know that.  I am no further away from P than I already am. So why am I stalling? - I guess it's change. 

Change is hard especially when it's imposed upon you. 

I know that P would want me to move forward and make the best life for myself, a life that I want. So, by not doing this I am not doing what he would want for me. 

If I think really deep. I have still not fully accepted that he's not coming home. If I am not here how would he find me? - I know that as I type this, it's crazy! It's coming up to 18 months since he died. You would think that I would have accepted that he's not coming home. 

I also know that he would be telling me that if he were able to come home he would and he would find me- 

"I'm like a homing-pigeon- I'll always find you!" 

That's what he would always say to me when we got separated in a shop.  And it's true, he always did. 

I guess I have had a lot of change of late, and it's probably my way of trying to stay in control. Except I am not really in control, not really. I am just clinging on to a time that's gone and will never return. 

I am still grieving....  

I am hoping that I will see a house that P would have approved of and that gives me the push to move forward.  

What is it you are struggling to move forward with? 

What are your barriers? 

How have you over come barriers which have enabled you to move forward? 

I have no words of wisdom or advice, yet. 

Take care, 

H x