Finding your why

It's been something that I have been wrestling with for a long time. I have always wanted to recognise and feel that I have found my life's purpose. 

As a child I always wanted to be a vet. I was very quickly told that I wouldn't be able to do that. 

"I wasn't bright enough." 

So that was me told. And sadly I believed it. 

Instead I became a teacher. I had played 'schools' a lot as a child. I realise now that primary school was my 'safe place'.  My childhood was quite turbulent. (Long story) My parents finally divorced when I was 11 years old. (That wan't much fun either!)

Anyway, I became a primary school teacher. My sixth form tutor told me I would manage that because I would only need 2 A'levels. He didn't think a girl from the local council estate could manage 3 A'levels. In the end, I failed my French A'level so I couldn't go to college. I had to ask my mum if I could stay at home for another year. I was allowed so long as I got a job and paid my way- I did that and passed my French the following year. And off to college I went.

Looking back and reflecting on what I know about myself now. I could have managed 3 A'levels. 2 meant that I didn't have enough going on and that's when I am not productive. Also, I have realised that I'm not thick- I am dyslexic!! Not that anyone at school realised that, sadly! 

I built up my resilience getting over that failure. 

I found college hard going at first. As much as I desperately wanted to leave home. Home was pretty much all I had known.  I found the practical side of learning about teaching came fairly naturally. I loved my teaching practices. I found writing assignments so hard. Really hard!! I would read everything and work really hard but never managed to get a grade above a 2:2. It was okay but I knew I understood what I had read and that I could apply it in the classroom. But my essays just didn't reflect that. 

Clue: Dyslexic at work!!  (But no one picked it up there either!!)

By the 3rd year of my 4 year degree I really LOVED college. I had a small but a good group of friends and I felt safe and secure. 

I became a class teacher and worked in a variety of schools. Some I stayed at for a while and other I left very quickly. Again, looking back and reflecting, the ones I stayed at the longest had great teams. Teams where I was valued and I felt I belonged. 

Then I became a headteacher. I loved that (on the whole). I loved trying to create a 'family' based on shared values and a common goal. It was all good until the pandemic.... 

So from this I have realised that I enjoy being part of a group to which I feel I belong. I like to have a common goal I like being part of a 'family' group. 

So am I meant to be a teacher? I have just spent 2 terms in school as an interim deputy headteacher post. For the first term I was in the role as a non-teaching deputy. I have moved into the 'experienced group' (middle-aged) I was able to talk about previous experiences and spent a lot of time developing relationships with staff helping them to feel good about their practice. Talking about what issues they have a what they could do about it. Helping them to solving their problems through asking questions rather than giving questions was really good. I felt good about it. They also really appreciated it! 

The second term was different as I was back in the classroom. I really didn't enjoy that much at all. It was a difficult class. Lots of what I had to do as a teacher I didn't agree with. It meant that I was no longer developing those relationships and having those meaningful conversations with staff. It became very stressful. More stressful than being a headteacher. Again on reflection, I think that's because when I was in the classroom I wasn't being true to my educational values and I wasn't in control (I had to do what I was told) and I wasn't part of the group as there was so much to do I didn't have time or opportunity to develop those relationships with other staff members.  

Sorry, I feel like I've taken you with me down a rabbit hole. 

Apologies. 

The reason for this looking back and reflection is based on the fact that I watched a clip of Simon Sinek talking to Jake Humprey about finding his purpose and his WHY. 

It really go me thinking and reflecting. Here's the link:

 https://youtu.be/1CuZyq6ckGE?si=dbv34l4qNgqaMiKD 

I'm no where near finished thinking and reflecting but I said I would post every day- so here I am showing up and being accountable. 

Watch this space! 

See you tomorrow.

H x