Remember 1996?

 I have been remembering 1996.

 It's made me think of one of P's jokes: Nostalgia, it ain't what it used to be! 

Anyway, I digress. I have been watching a TV programme, you know the type, the one which looks back over the decades. I love those- always loved to see what life was like in the past. But now I am old enough for my past to be included. 

Tonight, as I was cooking I decided to listen to Radio 2's 'Pick of the pops' - 1996.

It was good to think back, 1996 was the year I graduated and started my role as a primary school teacher. 

I was 23 going on 24 when I started teaching. 

I got a job in a village primary school in Lincolnshire. It was my first interview and I was so shocked to get the job! I couldn't believe it! 

Tonight, listening back I tried imagining that 23 year old and try and remember what her hopes and aspirations were. 

I wanted to get married and be a mum. That was about it. 

A family friend recently reminded me that I had often said that I wouldn't play the Lottery as I couldn't spend a million pounds and that I wouldn't want that issue!  ( The naivety of youth!??) 

But I wondered what that 23 year old would think of the 51 year old into which she has grown. 

What would she say to her?  

(Often in self -help books/ therapy they encourage you to give advice to your younger self) 

But I wondered how my 23 year old self would see and encourage her older, middle-aged self.  

So, I thought I would give it a go in the form of a letter.  (Apologies in advance- but I am still a work in progress!!)

Here goes...

Dear 52 year old me, 

Hey there - how are you doing? Blimey you have been through it a bit haven't you? (((hugs)))

But remember, we're made of tough stuff and we can get through anything we put our mind to. 

I know things have been hard lately. But you really did find happiness, not as you expected, but you were so happy none-the-less. You were so loved!! Don't ever forget that!!

You have moved about a bit, but I think you must realise that this shows we can adapt to change!  

I'm sad that we never got to have kids. You'd have been a great mum. How do I know that? Well, we'd have really tried our absolute best and we would have loved our kids so very much and we would have encouraged them. We would have given them everything that we missed out on: love, understanding, encouragement, validation - Did I mention love? 

But you dealt with it really well. You did your grief work and then adapted, eventually. You and P had been through the biggest roller coaster but when it was time to stop you had to move forward in a different way.  Moving again!! We must having the ability to pack and unpack so deeply engrained in our DNA. 

Can I just say for a shy, scaredy-cat that we can be, we like to do some big things!  (You know what I am taking about!!) But taking on a school in special measures as your first headship- That takes balls!! 

I knew you would be good at what you set your mind to, I am pleased that you got to achieve something in your career, she, who was never going to be anything!! Well done, I am proud of you!  

I am also proud of you now, but to be honest, super worried at the same time. 

You have got on and kept going with your life. Going back to work as soon as you did was pretty good going. Doing that job for a year was impressive too. And I am not surprised that you jacked it all in with nothing to go either. (We can do radical things- things that others wouldn't do!) 

Then to to take a job and move half way down the country and need to find somewhere to live in 6 weeks - we never did do things by halves!! 

So now, now what?  I am worried that you aren't going to be happy again, that you have resigned yourself to life- just getting by day to day.  Surviving not thriving. I know that what has been given to you is not the future that you wanted. You wanted to be a mum and a wife. You got to do one of those things for nearly 20 years but this is not where it ends for us!! 

It's not - is it?!! 

We are better than this!!!! (P would have reminded you of this!!) 

We still have time to do stuff and have fun. ( Remember Fun Days? you were so great at organising them) We need to do that again. 

You deserve some fun, YOU are still alive! 

And I know that P would want you to go and do great things and be happy. I know that he would be devastated if he thought that his death caused your life to end! 

So let's think what did we want at 23? 

We wanted to be married, have a house, a Burmese cat, an old farm chair and kids. And be happy. 

You have had happiness and you can have it again. The answers lie within you. 

Take care and keep going - I believe in you!! 

Hanna aged 23

P.S. keep exercising it's good for your body and brain! xx