It's been 367 days ....

Time passes ... but I am not convinced it heals.... 

It's been 367 days since I said my last goodbye to my husband. He was one of the 155,613 people who have died of covid 19 (Today's count in the uk). He died on 28th January 2021. He was number one to me - 1 in a million! The best! MINE! 

I have been a widow for just over a year. I can't believe it's been a year... in some ways it's been a life-time and in others just a breath ago since I 'ruckled' his hair, told him I loved him, and asked him to visit me in my dreams. I couldn't kiss him because I was in full PPE - a full long-sleeved over-all, an apron, 2 pairs of gloves, a powdered face-mask and a visor. 

We had both tested positive on Boxing day 2020. I was feeling pretty 'crappy' but had put it down to 'end-of-term-itus' (I am a primary school headteacher and often felt poorly at the end of term). My hubby was fit and well- we got a test just to rule it out. We didn't expect for either of us to get really poorly. We had made a determined effort to eat well, take vitamin-c, calcium and an additional multi-vitamin, we walked every day, in fact my hubby ran 3-5k most days. So we thought that, if we caught it, we would experience the flu-like virus. 

Little did I know that when I was taken to hospital on new year's day 2021 that would be the last time I would hug my hubby. He, at that point, was feeling grotty but nowhere near as bad as me. I could not complete as sentence without gasping for breath.  When I called 111 on new year's eve, they made the decision that an ambulance was needed, not me. I tried to talk them out of it, saying that there were worse cases. But they they said it was necessary so to hospital I went. But within 5 days my darling husband was too admitted to hospital - straight into critical care - I was still in hospital at that point. 

He was bounced in and out of critical care and then into to ICU. He was placed on a ventilator and transferred to another hospital, as at that time, the NHS - the hospital- was over-whelmed!!!  He died 8 days later. I was fortunate that the policy of that hospital was that relatives could be there for end of life. (This was not the case for so many relatives) 

I drove the 1hr 30mins journey in the fog, snow and ice. I was not long out of hospital myself- but there was NOTHING that was going to stop me being there!

I arrived and was sent to the ICU unit at 1:30 am. I was able to be with my darling husband and for a few hours - his sats picked up and they said that they felt he knew I was there. There was a moment of hope; I told him to fight - He was a marathon runner and I saw this as his own personal marathon.... but it was not to be. Covid is an evil virus, it started attacking different vital organs ... 

Then I was told that there was no way he could survive... at one point it was only his kidneys and there could be the possibility that he could get dialysis. But it wasn't only his kidneys that had been affected... all vital organs had been affected. I asked about what could be done. NOTHING ... so I exercised they privilege of knowing what he would have wanted in that situation.... "You will make sure that I am not kept alive when there is no hope. You will make sure that I am put out of misery!!- You will do the right thing?!" I had agreed to this situation, as you do, when you never think that it will become a reality. BUT it did- become a reality, and that conversation came back to me loud and clear. 

It was the last thing I could do for him. The ultimate act of love and REPECT! 

I asked if we could shut down his life support. It took several conversations for several doctors. For his nurse,  it was just too much, at one point and she left the ICU in tears. She was back though, with the doctor, once the decision had been authorised.  They assured me that he would just slip away.... I asked them to pull the curtains around us in ICU, they did. It was scary, hard, calm and surreal all at the same time. It was me there, doing all those 'ADULT' things but feeling like a 'young girl' in the whole experience.  They were great; the NHS, I mean, I couldn't fault them. They looked after me, but more importantly they looked after P, my boy, my husband. They gave him a dignified death in the  situation.  

They took out the tubes and switched off all the equipment. I sat with him for a while. I told him I loved him. I had done that since I arrived about 26 hours earlier. (We had told each other that we loved each other every day for the whole of our relationship). I had sung to him - they play music in ICU and I sang every love song they played, to him. I recounted holidays - we were lucky,  we had been to some amazing places prior to covid- I reminded him about New York, Greece, Portugal, San Francisco. I got the opportunity to reassure him that he had well- prepared me for this - although it had come a lot sooner than we had expected; I told him I would be okay. I would cope! I promised him I would, he didn't have to worry about me any more. I would cope! He had taught me to be strong - I would be devastated but I would cope! 

And that's where I am- coping! 

One year on - A year of FIRSTS. 

So, what can I share - what can I share with others who are embarking on this journey - the one in which none of us willingly takes part!  

• You will survive - despite thinking that it was impossible.
• There is a strength within you which you didn't know existed.
• People will say things which cut you to the quick- Some just don't know any better. Some are just stupid. Some will just never talk to you again, as they can't cope with feeling uncomfortable.

• You will survive!!! 

• There is practical help out there. 
• There is emotional help out there. 

Practicalities

I had to register my husband's death. I can't remember how I did it, but someone gave me the details. Someone will give you the details.

I called the number (P died on a Thursday and I called on the Monday - it was in lockdown so I had to do it by phone.) 

You might have to do it in person at the register office. They know that you are in a state and that you need support. 

The lady I spoke to was great. I even managed to cut her off when we got to the confidential bit ---I had to enter details to get the death certificate. I did what she said if that happened,  and it was all okay. I just followed what I was told. I trusted people which was new experience for me! People are kind when your are newly bereaved. (On the whole - others are just stupid!!)

I had to call the funeral director. Again this was something I was terrified of doing as it made it all too real. But again,  they were just great and led me through the process which was very different due to the covid restrictions. I managed it all, even though I didn't think I could. I did all this in lockdown. I was totally alone. No one could be with me. Some of my friends offered but I turned them down - we were in a lockdown and I knew the cost - first-hand- the cost that covid could charge. Therefore, I stuck to it and did it all myself. If I can do it, so can you!! 

So my advice here is, that they lead you through it. I just said I need your help my husband died... and they stepped up and asked the questions and led me through.  

Something which did make this a lot of this easier - we had talked about the possibility of death. We had had some of those conversations so it made things a  lot easier. I knew that he wasn't too bothered - he wanted to be cremated and that a cardboard coffin would be fine - I didn't do that; I over-ruled him and had a wicker one in the style of a Moses basket! I had the music from our wedding. But if we hadn't have had that conversation it may have been harder. I also included a song which one of his daughters had talked about. Again, he had little family to insist on things - but if you have already had those conversations and better still if their wishes are written down it makes for planning a funeral a lot easier. So, please, have those difficult but necessary conversations- "for my funeral I would like... I definitely wouldn't want... etc."  It makes those early days decisions so much easier.  

I have survived and plan to thrive - I owe him this much- to live the best life that I can. I am changed but I am am not dead - so I must push on and live for the pair of us. 

Lots of love 

H xx