Identity

Identity - It's something that has consumed my thoughts for a long while now. 

Who am I? 

I was always me: Hanna V 

I didn't change my name when P and I got married. He didn't want me to become Mrs N. He thought it was vital that I fully became Hanna V that I knew who I was and didn't just become his wife. 

I was always Hanna V and at 30, when I married I didn't fully know who I was. I knew what I did. I was a primary school teacher, someone who sang, someone who loves cats, someone who desperately needed to be safe, to feel safe, 

I was someone who lacked confidence in myself. 

I was someone who believed herself to be not very clever. 

I was someone who was terrified of failure and wouldn't risk anything. 

Over the next 20 years I began to get to know who I was. 

I felt safe! 

P gave me the security that I lacked. I began to be able to do things that I wouldn't have had space for in my brain as I would have been just so scared to even contemplate. 

I became a headteacher. I still loved to sing but had little time to do it so used it in school as much I was able.

I was a successful headteacher. My confidence had increased. I was still concerned about failure but P had my back, and helped to get me to see that I wasn't dumb (I'm dyslexic). 

I became someone who enjoyed travelling, who liked buying art but most importantly enjoyed being with my husband.  

I am still a cat lover!  

But now- who am I? 

I am still Hanna V. 

I was P's wife. But now I'm his widow. (I hate having to tick that box!!)

I am no longer a headteacher- I needed time out away from the stress and strain of leading a school.

I haven't the confidence to go travelling on my own, yet. 

I am not working so I am more likely to be selling our art than buying it. (I would never sell unless I had to)

But I can no longer be with my husband. My favourite person. The person who I loved doing nothing with. 

The person who gave my life purpose and validated my identity. 

Who am I now? 

I could very easily become that crazy cat lady!! 

But, I feel that there must be more to my life. But what?! And how do I work it out? 

Should I reinvent myself? 

I have the opportunity. 

Who could I be? I. Don't. Know. 

I know that I don't want to give up on life. 

I know that I don't want to be the bitter, poor-me boring widow who no one wants to be with. 

I know that I don't want to be that woman who is sad. Alone. 

I know that I don't want to be that person who no longer lives. 

I want to have a purpose.

I want to make a difference. 

I don't know who I am any more. I don't know how to decide, yet... 

Hx