Funerals ....
Organising a funeral is the last thing you can do right for someone. But organising a funeral is not something you ever want to be doing.
I was terrified about calling a funeral director. I just didn't want to do it.
I was terrified that I would be hit with a load of questions to which I didn't know the answer or just didn't want to answer.
It also made it all a little bit more real, too.
I was terrified of saying those words ... "My husband has died."
But I found the courage to lift the phone and call. I was not going to let anyone else do it for me.
I don't know what I actually said - but straight away I was put at ease.They led me through the process. (They will do that for you too - if you need them to)
Because it was in the middle of a lock-down, I was sent a brochure through the post.
The funeral director called in to check on me every few days - or so it seemed. It was kind. Some days I just couldn't face answering. But it was appreciated.
Calling back with my decisions was something I wasn't ready to do. Not straight away.
P and I had had 'the conversation.'
"If I go first I want to be cremated in my wedding dress. I would like the music at our wedding played and just nice flowers like I had for my bouquet(hand-tied bunch of flowers)." I requested
" Just bung me in a cardboard box- I shan't care, I will be dead! Funerals are for the living not the dead!" came P's reply.
I definitely didn't want him to have a cardboard coffin - but I didn't want a typical coffin.
One school I worked in a child in my class died. It was awful. She was only 5 and had been poorly but nothing serious or so they thought. I attended her funeral and she had a woven Moses basket style coffin. I really liked that. I felt that it looked like it kept her safe.
I wanted that for P.
To be kept safe.
When I managed to call the funeral director back, I was able to ask about these kind of coffins. He said that they could email through the details. The brochure only gave a flavour of what was on offer. It wasn't a catalogue.
He asked me what I wanted to do about flowers.
I knew that P would have not wanted people to waste their money on flowers so I said I only wanted a simple bouquet.
I was given a flourist's number. But I couldn't decide what I wanted.
I definitely didn't want anything traditional.
Nothing stereotypical.
I spoke to the florist but that just mad it worse.
I decided that I would make my own bouquet. P always bought me flowers and I would love to arrange them.
But what if I couldn't get the flowers I wanted?
What if they died before the day?
I was becoming very stressed.
In the end, my sister suggested a florist that she had received flowers from - the were a 'posh up-to-date florist who specialised in fragrant bouquets.
I went on their website and found the perfect one.
I spoke to the florist and it was arranged they would arrive the afternoon before. Phew!
(I got stressed out about a lot of things ... too many to mention .... my anxiety was heightened)
I had some special ribbon printed which had the words that P had said to me months before he died. It helped make it special.
Because we were in lock-down, and in the middle of the second wave of covid, the crematorium slots were limited. The first available slot was over 3 weeks away. I agreed.
At that time, there were restrictions as to who could attend a funeral. I don't recall. Put it this way- 2 of us attended. It was also live streamed to those who couldn't make it.
I knew that P would NOT have wanted a religious funeral. He didn't believe (understatement!)
I searched for a humanist celebrant. I found one and it was the one that the funeral director had used in the past.
I wrote down a 'potted' life story. P was 67 when he died we had been together since the year 2000 but there was lots I didn't know about first-hand. I could re-tell what I had been told.
As I reflected, I could feel the gratitude well up inside me. We had had our tough times - (there's a clue in my twitter handle) but we had got through them and grown closer. We had actively lived over the past couple of years. We had travelled and seen places that we had always wanted to see. I included those sorts of details.
We had been very lucky! We had found each other- we were soulmates!
We couldn't have a wake due to covid restrictions. Mind you, I don't know if I could have coped with that. I always thought that wakes are like parties where the main guest isn't there.
The day of the funeral was ...
I had worried about what I should wear. I wanted to look right whatever that was. I wanted to be smart but not uncomfortable.
I started searching for a dress and matching jacket. Navy not black. I couldn't do black it was too traditional.
I found the exact dress and matching jacket- online - we were in a lock-down. As I looked at the details the name of the dress and jacket rang a distant bell.
I went upstairs and checked my wardrobe.
I already had the exact same dress and jacket which I had purchased for an interview the previous year! - Widow brain strike 1!!
I knew that it was too sombre. P had a good sense of humour and loved my sense of fun.
What could I do?
I found his rainbow scarf which I bought for him year ago, it was a joke Christmas present - BUT he loved it and wore it a lot!
I wore his rainbow scarf- it was a bright a cheerful touch.
So how did I get through it.
I don't know- I just did!
Somewhere deep inside you find the strength, the resolve, the determination- the grit to do what you need to do.
You do it for them.
It's the last thing that you can do.
So what advice can I give you:
- Don't worry about calling the funeral director - they will guide you through it.
- Don't worry about coping - you will cope!
- Think about the life of your loved one and how you can honour it - It doesn't have to be grand gestures- subtle touches can mean a lot.
- Wear what makes you happy and comfortable.
It's much easier if you have talked through your wants and desires.
Love H x
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