The voice of a widow

I have spent a lot of time listening and watching podcasts today in the hope that I find some more answers.   "Find your passion!" "Do what makes you happy!" I will be honest I have not found any answers, yet. BUT I have found so many more questions.  An example of some of the questions I am currently pondering: (Initial reactive answers in brackets) 1)       What would you do if you knew you could not fail? - (create a community of people who work in an environment which supports people's mental health through a variety of ways- gardening, animals, counselling, cafe where people can meet and chat, run events) 2)       What does a non-purposeful life look like? (same stressful humdrum shit with a mediocre attitude and being all alone) 3)       When do you come alive? When do you feel excited? (not totally sure on this one. I enjoy live theatre and drama performances. I like to learn new things and ...

It's been something that I have been wrestling with for a long time. I have always wanted to recognise and feel that I have found my life's purpose.  As a child I always wanted to be a vet. I was very quickly told that I wouldn't be able to do that.  "I wasn't bright enough."  So that was me told. And sadly I believed it.  Instead I became a teacher. I had played 'schools' a lot as a child. I realise now that primary school was my 'safe place'.  My childhood was quite turbulent. (Long story) My parents finally divorced when I was 11 years old. (That wan't much fun either!) Anyway, I became a primary school teacher. My sixth form tutor told me I would manage that because I would only need 2 A'levels. He didn't think a girl from the local council estate could manage 3 A'levels. In the end, I failed my French A'level so I couldn't go to college. I had to ask my mum if I could stay at home for another year. I was allowed so ...

So I am back. Having spent some time thinking. I have made a list of 'values'.  Things that I believe are important to me.  First I did a  'brain dump' basically its a spider's web of all the things I think are important.  I have done this previously and it is very reflective of the time I am in.  After that, I looked for links and connections and then I tried to put things together. I then worked out words or phrases which encapsulated everything.  And, this is what I came up with: a rainbow list of 'values' things which are important in my life.  Apologies for the felt tips but I have done it on large paper so I can have it up and look at it ever day. It's in colour of the rainbow so it helps me to remember - the colour-coding helps.   So my next task is to decide on how that looks like in my life. How am I going to make my life look like this? How am I going to live in-line with my values?   I have also decided that I need to loo...

It's been a while since I blogged.  I'd like to say that I have been away doing really exciting and transformative things. But I haven't. I have been putting one foot in front of the other.  Just doing stuff. It's been 1166 days (not long over 3 years) since I lost my husband.  It's been tough. The hardest thing I have ever done.  The numbness has well and truly worn off.  The fog of widow-brain has gone.  The realization that 'this is it' is beginning to dawn. In the early days I was so resolute that I threw myself into things. 3 days after his funeral I set to and put up a new garden fence. I painted the shed and planted seedlings. I would maintain the cleaning regime with military precision. This, I now realize was my way of coping. By doing 'stuff'.  But now that's no longer enough.  In the early days, I still believed, or at least acted as though, he would just turn up and we would go back to normal.  But I now know that: THIS. IS. IT!...

  These are questions which people ask. The answer feels simple to me.  I will never be over it.  I will never move on.  But I don't want to be that person who is stuck in their grief.  Instead, I feel I am moving forward.  It's a naive point of view that all you have to do is "get through your grief"; that somehow grief needs to be gotten through to get to a set destination. But closure isn't the goal! Quite the reverse actually. Grief is a messy, complex process which needs a lot of hard work. It's exhausting and it stays with you.  Grief is individual. Some people feel better about 2 years others find after 2 years things get hard again. Other people's expectations of grief can be hard. My own expectation of what grief was and how it would pan out was hard as I couldn't match my own expectation. I was expecting to be so much 'further on' after all the firsts. Then again after the second year I felt like timehad move on, others had moved forw...

 As I approach the 2 year mark I have been thinking a lot.  The postie arrived this morning with a parcel. It was a care package from my dear 'Family of Friends'. All the way through this they have periodically sent parcels, flowers, fruit, cakes, cheese, books, socks, seeds, Percy Pigs amonst other things.  This group of extraordinary people who I class as my Friend Family were a group of people I worked with a while ago. They since have, like me, moved away got different jobs but there was always a special bond. A bond which has supported me through the hardest couple of years of my life.  They were also those people who were alongside me in our IVF journey. They watched, listened and supported us ( Paul &I) as I took the injections, swallowed the hormones, experienced the mood swings (due to hormones) under went the egg transfers, lived through the 2week waits, took the pregnancy tests. They were also there when I miscarried.  They were also the cheerlead...