Finding who I am in widowhood

It's been a while since I blogged. 

I'd like to say that I have been away doing really exciting and transformative things. But I haven't. I have been putting one foot in front of the other. 

Just doing stuff.

It's been 1166 days (not long over 3 years) since I lost my husband. 

It's been tough.

The hardest thing I have ever done. 

The numbness has well and truly worn off. 

The fog of widow-brain has gone. 

The realization that 'this is it' is beginning to dawn.

In the early days I was so resolute that I threw myself into things. 3 days after his funeral I set to and put up a new garden fence. I painted the shed and planted seedlings. I would maintain the cleaning regime with military precision. This, I now realize was my way of coping. By doing 'stuff'. 

But now that's no longer enough. 

In the early days, I still believed, or at least acted as though, he would just turn up and we would go back to normal. 

But I now know that: THIS. IS. IT! 

He isn't coming back and I need to build a life for myself. FOR ME!

'Doing stuff' is not cutting it anymore. 

Don't get me wrong, I have been doing more than just household chores and gardening. 

I moved the 180 miles down the country so that I could be nearer family and friends. I took a interim post in the last week of term and had to find somewhere to live and move within the 6 weeks holiday (which I did!) I went back to full time employment in a school. 

But this has very much been doing stuff.

I now need to (using that overused mid-life crisis sounding phrase) FIND MYSELF. 

Who am I and what do I want out of life? Then work out how I do this! 

I am not entirely sure yet but I have decided that this is now my quest.

So, as a record and a way of keeping myself accountable, I will be publishing my blog - DAILY (That's my intention). 

P always said that when I didn't know what do do I should write it down. He was always right. I could always make better sense of my muddled thoughts once I had captured them on paper. 

So here goes: 

I am going to both brain- dump and vision- build. 

I am going to reflect and question. 

I am going to look forward and back, but I am also going to find joy in the present. 

I am going to look at other splendid buggers who find themselves a member of the club which no one want to belong to.

I am going to understand the problem and find solutions. 

I am going to build the life which makes me happy. 

But mostly I am going to write it down. Tip it all out of my head so that I can 'locate myself' and begin to live my best possible life instead of just doing stuff. 

If you want to come along for the ride, buckle-up. I can't guarantee that it's going to be pretty but I am determined that it is going to be worth it! 

Tonight I am going to think about my own VALUES. 

What is the important 'STUFF' in my life? 

I am going to build a vision.

So I can gradually build a life which incorporates my values. 

I am going to build a vision, a vision of  MY life. 

Tomorrow I am going bring back what I think. 

see you tomorrow. 

H x