The voice of a widow

 I have been remembering 1996.  It's made me think of one of P's jokes: Nostalgia, it ain't what it used to be!  Anyway, I digress. I have been watching a TV programme, you know the type, the one which looks back over the decades. I love those- always loved to see what life was like in the past. But now I am old enough for my past to be included.  Tonight, as I was cooking I decided to listen to Radio 2's 'Pick of the pops' - 1996. It was good to think back, 1996 was the year I graduated and started my role as a primary school teacher.  I was 23 going on 24 when I started teaching.  I got a job in a village primary school in Lincolnshire. It was my first interview and I was so shocked to get the job! I couldn't believe it!  Tonight, listening back I tried imagining that 23 year old and try and remember what her hopes and aspirations were.  I wanted to get married and be a mum. That was about it.  A family friend recently reminded me that I had often said tha

I have spent a lot of time listening and watching podcasts today in the hope that I find some more answers.   "Find your passion!" "Do what makes you happy!" I will be honest I have not found any answers, yet. BUT I have found so many more questions.  An example of some of the questions I am currently pondering: (Initial reactive answers in brackets) 1)       What would you do if you knew you could not fail? - (create a community of people who work in an environment which supports people's mental health through a variety of ways- gardening, animals, counselling, cafe where people can meet and chat, run events) 2)       What does a non-purposeful life look like? (same stressful humdrum shit with a mediocre attitude and being all alone) 3)       When do you come alive? When do you feel excited? (not totally sure on this one. I enjoy live theatre and drama performances. I like to learn new things and going to new places.) 4)       What would you pay to do? And woul

It's been something that I have been wrestling with for a long time. I have always wanted to recognise and feel that I have found my life's purpose.  As a child I always wanted to be a vet. I was very quickly told that I wouldn't be able to do that.  "I wasn't bright enough."  So that was me told. And sadly I believed it.  Instead I became a teacher. I had played 'schools' a lot as a child. I realise now that primary school was my 'safe place'.  My childhood was quite turbulent. (Long story) My parents finally divorced when I was 11 years old. (That wan't much fun either!) Anyway, I became a primary school teacher. My sixth form tutor told me I would manage that because I would only need 2 A'levels. He didn't think a girl from the local council estate could manage 3 A'levels. In the end, I failed my French A'level so I couldn't go to college. I had to ask my mum if I could stay at home for another year. I was allowed so

So I am back. Having spent some time thinking. I have made a list of 'values'.  Things that I believe are important to me.  First I did a  'brain dump' basically its a spider's web of all the things I think are important.  I have done this previously and it is very reflective of the time I am in.  After that, I looked for links and connections and then I tried to put things together. I then worked out words or phrases which encapsulated everything.  And, this is what I came up with: a rainbow list of 'values' things which are important in my life.  Apologies for the felt tips but I have done it on large paper so I can have it up and look at it ever day. It's in colour of the rainbow so it helps me to remember - the colour-coding helps.   So my next task is to decide on how that looks like in my life. How am I going to make my life look like this? How am I going to live in-line with my values?   I have also decided that I need to look at my final 'val

It's been a while since I blogged.  I'd like to say that I have been away doing really exciting and transformative things. But I haven't. I have been putting one foot in front of the other.  Just doing stuff. It's been 1166 days (not long over 3 years) since I lost my husband.  It's been tough. The hardest thing I have ever done.  The numbness has well and truly worn off.  The fog of widow-brain has gone.  The realization that 'this is it' is beginning to dawn. In the early days I was so resolute that I threw myself into things. 3 days after his funeral I set to and put up a new garden fence. I painted the shed and planted seedlings. I would maintain the cleaning regime with military precision. This, I now realize was my way of coping. By doing 'stuff'.  But now that's no longer enough.  In the early days, I still believed, or at least acted as though, he would just turn up and we would go back to normal.  But I now know that: THIS. IS. IT!  He i