The voice of a widow

 As I approach the 2 year mark I have been thinking a lot.  The postie arrived this morning with a parcel. It was a care package from my dear 'Family of Friends'. All the way through this they have periodically sent parcels, flowers, fruit, cakes, cheese, books, socks, seeds, Percy Pigs amonst other things.  This group of extraordinary people who I class as my Friend Family were a group of people I worked with a while ago. They since have, like me, moved away got different jobs but there was always a special bond. A bond which has supported me through the hardest couple of years of my life.  They were also those people who were alongside me in our IVF journey. They watched, listened and supported us ( Paul &I) as I took the injections, swallowed the hormones, experienced the mood swings (due to hormones) under went the egg transfers, lived through the 2week waits, took the pregnancy tests. They were also there when I miscarried.  They were also the cheerleaders who were the

  So today (28th July 2022) marks 18 months into this grief journey.  I have been having more good days than bad but today the grief monster arrived and stayed for breakfast, lunch and tea!  18 months - I thought I would be so much further on than I am. But, I don't know why other than before this I believed that grief was a linear process that I just had to get through ... and after 18 months I would be well through it and nearly at the other side. How little I knew!  I have spent some of the day beating myself up for not being further along.  I have spent some of the day beating myself up for feeling sorry for myself. I have spent some of the day beating myself up for for letting him down.  I have spent most of the day in tears. I have spent most of the day feeling the pain deep, deep inside.  I think it's beginning to sink in.  The thought of FUTURE is now beginning to dawn. For so long, I could just about live in the here and now - future could be later today, later in the